How Distasteful!
by amaretto and coke
Summary: Yuffie always learns her lessons the hard way. Too bad Cid and Vincent are along for the ride.
1. Seduction by Daiquiri

**Title:** How Distasteful!

**Summary:** Yuffie's stupidity is going to cause her more than one headache...

**Pairing(s):** Cloud/Tifa (implied), Vincent/Yuffie/Cid. Yeah, you read that right.

**Rating:** PG-13, may increase. Not likely.

**Additional info:** Working off some writer's block.Intended to be three chapters (subject to change). Another author on this site already did this idea, and I am blatantly inspired (read: ripping him/her off. Many apologies.) by their boldness in pairingthe moody vampire/Goth/whiner with the stock chainsmoking loudmouth (with optional heart of gold) with arguably the most annoying character in the entire game and somehow implying that these people actually want to have sex, even under the influence.Takes guts, I tell ya.

**Feedback:** Yes, please! Feel free to flame, though you'll likely just get a sarcastic response. Put very politely, of course.

* * *

It had been a long day, and Yuffie Kisaragi was tired. Whipped. Even her legs had the nerve to complain as she dragged herself into the hotel room at Costa del Sol, and that _never_ happened. No matter how worn the rest of her body was, she had never worried about her legs aching. But ache they did. Damn it.

This latest of their quests was ridiculous. Who in their right mind give a good damn about defeating 'Emerald Weapon'? Cloud, that's who. So they had spent entirely too much time searching for the Ghost Ship to metamorph and...she shook her head. It was too stupid to bother remembering. Remembering anything about the entire wretched day was out of the question. She wanted a drink.

She was only sixteen. Double damn.

Slinging her oversized shuriken onto a chair, she stomped down the hall, needing to speak with one of her teammates. Her roommate was out on the town, or more likely curled up on the sidewalk; being a cat, Nanaki enjoyed basking in the sun. He also liked wreaking havoc in the alleys at night, like most toms.

Cloud and Tifa, predictably enough, wanted to share a room. And they – or actually, Tifa – were equally as firm that they should not be interrupted that evening. 'Cloud's had a long day. He needs his rest.' Judging from the telltale sounds of squeaking springs, there was very little rest going on in there.

She rapped quietly on Barrett's door, but stopped upon hearing a deep voice murmur, and a much higher one answer. Barrett always requested a room with Cait Sith, and it had been some time before anyone was able to find out why. The truth was, Barrett had always had less than evil feelings towards Reeve, and ever since leaving Midgar and Marlene, he found Reeve to be more useful than ever: one overheard conversation provided enough impetus for the Shinra executive to visit Marlene and let her speak to her daddy at least twice weekly.

Yuffie sighed. There was no reason to bother him when all she wanted to do was get drunk off her ass, and hopefully talk someone else into paying the bill. Besides, Barrett was notoriously cheap. She needed someone with a looser grip on the purse strings.

There were only two options left. She hesitated as she approached their door. Were they even in?

"Come in, Yuffie."

Sufficiently startled to all hell, she jumped back, failing to knock as she scrambled to collect her wits. _Friggin' superhuman hearing or something..._She opened the heavy door with her slim shoulder.

Vincent laid on the side of the king bed facing the rough wooden wall, facing away from her. He didn't bother to look up as she came in. "Whatever it is, the answer is 'no'."

"But I just want –"

"Did you hear me?"

"– to get a drink."

He pointed to a bottle of spring water on the dresser. "Will that do?"

"How 'bout 'no'?"

He flipped over, clearly exasperated. "If you want a drink, what do you need me for?"

"See..." Now came anxious shuffling of feet and much hemming and hawing. "I'm not quite old enough to sit in the bar alone." Seeing his mouth purse in disgust, she rushed on. "I'm sore as hell! If I don't get a drink tonight, I won't be able to relax tonight, and I won't be any good in the morning!"

"And getting drunk is more desirable, how?..."

She was getting nowhere. Playing her trump, she stomped her foot and pouted. "C'mon!"

Vincent eyed her coldly for a few moments before sighing in a very longsuffering manner. "Fine. You're responsible for any bad consequences that come of this."

* * *

_Vodka and fruit juice weren't a bad combination,_ Yuffie thought as she allowed the cold liquid to wash over her tongue. Vincent was equally wrapped in silent contemplation of his own drink. Who the hell would have though that a guy like him drank banana daiquiris? He toyed with the umbrella, watching it make swirls in the snowy foam. She struggled with the urge to laugh.

He drummed his claw on the table, making gouges in the wood. Behind the bar, Yuffie noticed the barkeeper cringe.

With a sudden change of heart, Vincent downed the entire drink in four seconds without the need for a second gulp. He waggled a pale finger without looking behind him. "One of more of those, please."

"Yes, sir," the barkeep said as he slung ice into the blender.

* * *

Midway into their binge, the quiet pair was accosted by a man that neither of them recognized. This could be attributed to their level of drunkenness. Or maybe they really were that stupid. Nonetheless, they let him sit and drink with them, and neither of them willing to start up a conversation, the guest took it on himself to provide enough rattling for the three of them.

Yuffie really didn't remember opening her mouth, really she didn't, but clearly she said something that didn't sit well with at least one of the men. Or maybe it did. She wasn't quite sure. She did remember floating up the stairs in a gauzy daze and stumbling into her room, though the sheets smelled a little different. Maybe Nanaki had come in and lay down on the bed for a while?

A warm, slight, moist sensation at the base of her neck surprised her, and she rolled, a little too quickly. Giggling as she regained her balance by reaching out and grabbing the first thing within arm's reach, she was a little surprised to feel strands of silk. Silk? Must've been hair. It didn't matter. The silky mass moved of its own accord in her hands, slipping, sliding through her fingers, and she found her mouth captured.

And then there were more soft, warm tingles all over, from her ear lobes to her ankles. More silk against her cold fingers, sometimes heavy and lush, sometimes more fine. She was puzzled, but her body refused to dwell on it along with her mind, and she was borne up, engulfed in wave after wave of sweetness as she felt a sharp stabbing and a trickle of sticky fluid. _Am I being mugged? Damn, it's pretty fun!_

It didn't matter.

A pair of talented hands skimmed her slim body, creating gooseflesh. More warmth, slowly building up in her pelvis until...her hands moved down, tangled in the mass of silken threads. She cried out as her hips arched. Or perhaps she hadn't made a sound, screaming silently with an open mouth. It didn't matter.

* * *

The morning dawned as all mornings dawn in Costa del Sol, muggy from the nearby ocean. Yuffie sat up slowly, unaccustomed to the smell of salt in the air. She wrinkled her nose distastefully. _How horrible! How do people stand it here?_ Shuffling to get out of bed, she bumped into an obstacle, a muscular, if pale, body with a claw attached.

She gulped and decided to go the other way. Unfortunately for her sanity, that route was also blocked by a body, this one hard and tanned and smelling of cigarettes.

And then the entire hotel got the benefit of her discovery, as she screamed like hell.

* * *

**A/N: **Yes, I know she's underage. That's why this is fanfiction and not Squaresoft canon. laff Oh, yeah, don't own, just playing nicely, will put them away when done, blah blah blah. 


	2. The vegan cat

Nanaki, or 'Red XIII' as he was affectionately (or lazily) called, pricked his ears as an awful scream began to build in intensity. Without any desire on his part, they slowly began to turn away from the piercing racket.

By the time Yuffie burst into the room, they were flat against his skull. He squirmed in pain. "Cetra's sake, child, stop doing that!"

"But – but – I – Ididn'tdowhatImeanttodoanddidwhatIdidn'tmean – to – to – DOOOOOOOO!"

As his ears attempted to close themselves off completely, Nanaki slunk under the bed before snarling, "Kindly compose yourself. My ears are not meant to take this kind of abuse."

The only response he got was a cacophony of noisy weeping. Frowning, he slowly emerged from the underside of the bed, which hadn't experienced the joys of a regular dusting for some time. He tried to ignore the girl's sobbing by vigorously washing himself.

It was futile. Endowed with the power of good lungs and a healthy second soprano wail, she was simply more than he could bear. He decided that dust-free fur could wait for a few minutes. "Would you mind telling me what happened?"

Yuffie gulped for a few minutes longer before she could regain control. "I – I was mugged!"

"Mugged?!" The big cat bounded to all four feet, tail lashing angrily. "Where? How? When? And what kind of mugger takes your clothes? We need to tell Cloud!" He ran out of the door. And then two things happened at once.

First, his abused ears pricked once more. He distinctly heard the door lock, the sound of feet scampering into the shower area, and underneath it all a feminine cackle. Startled, he came to a stop so suddenly that he sat down.

And secondly…he couldn't be sure that his nose hadn't deceived him as he rushed out of the room, but he could almost swear that Yuffie didn't smell entirely right…

"Nanaki!"

Tifa leaned precariously from the door frame. Apparently keeping her balance while trying to shield her modesty was a little more difficult than she had anticipated, as she kept swaying back and forth. "What's all the noise? It sounded like Yuffie."

"It...it was," the cat stammered, wondering whether or not to tell the tale that he had been given. Prudence won out. "Uh…I think that I lay my tail on her while she was still asleep. My apologies." And before she could ask more questions, he tumbled over himself just like a cat is apt to do and tore down the hall.

Tifa stood there, so bewildered that she became oblivious to the fact that there were others in the hotel besides herself. An elderly man saw a bit too much and staggered back to his suite clutching his chest. A mother gasped and hustled her children by, covering their eyes but completely neglecting her husband, who stood in silent, if pleased, contemplation of the glories of the female mammary.

"Teef," a male voice from within her room croaked, breaking her reverie. Finally realizing that she was standing in public wearing little more than what the Lord gave her, she gave everyone in sight dirty looks and slammed the door.

Cloud stirred on the rumpled sheets. "Baby, come warm the bed. It's freezing in here."

"We're in Costa Del Sol."

"You sure?" He sat up and squinted out of the window. Wincing, he turned away from the glare and tunneled under the pillows. "It looks just like the sun rising near the crater."

"That's the sun's reflection on the water."

"What's all the white stuff, then? Isn't that snow?"

"Sand."

He sat up, frowning. "You sure?"

Tifa nearly smacked her forehead. Some days it seemed as though the Mako poisoning made up for the glowing eyes and fabulous hair by making its victims absolute crack-heads. She could be at home in Corel with Johnny right now if she wasn't here. And really, what did Cloud have going for him, besides those gorgeous muscles and that huge…

A grin broke out on her face. "You wanted me to warm the bed?"

* * *

Barrett emerged from his room somewhat dissatisfied, and walked in the direction of the dining hall. After an hour in the mirror, he had given up on trying to get scruffy and had to resign himself to looking overly pretty for the day. He considered knocking on Cloud and Tifa's door, but the springs were squeaking again. Shaking his head, he went to the next door down. Clearly, _this_ room's occupants were occupied in talking. He could hear them in the hall as he passed by. 

"…well, what the hell are they doing in _here,_ then?"

"You tell me, O Pirate of the Pu-"

"Hey! As I recall, you weren't any slouch in the ol' sack yerself, vampy! And just how do you propose we fix this mess?"

There was a shuffling of heavy metal boots, and then a delicate 'harrumph.' "I don't see where there's a problem. What's done is done. Besides, I refuse to take responsibility for another's person ridiculous behavior."

What followed next was a cussing out of the most indecent sort. Even Barrett's coal-miner sensibilities were offended. Ears threatening to go up in flame, he walked on. "Do they really want everyone to know that they're bed buddies? Some people just don't know how to be discreet."

He came across Nanaki still trying to fend off the amorous embrace of the dust bunnies as he exited the building. "Hey, Red."

The cat spared him an exasperated glance before wrenching his neck around and continuing his wash. Barrett tried again after realizing that he wouldn't get an answer otherwise. "You want to go get some chow?"

Nanaki mulled the offer before yawning with open maw. "I don't know if I can eat the food here. I'm a vegan."

"You're a natural carnivore," Barrett pointed out reasonably.

"I supplement my diet with MouseFu, thank you very much. It is perfectly legitimate that some people should prefer the taste of factory-processed soybeans to fresh meat. It is also perfectly acceptable that these soybeans should be enhanced with mouse essence to make them edible."

Barrett stared.

"Are you shittin' me?"

Nanaki came as close to a grin as he was capable. "Damn straight. There's a good café down the street."

* * *

Yuffie watched from behind the rickety shutters as the pair walked off together and sighed, feeling that disaster had been averted. She had managed to fool Nanaki, and from the sound of the argument down the hall, it didn't sound as though Vincent and Cid were any closer to figuring out exactly what had happened last night, nor what they were going to tell everyone else. A sly smile crept onto her face. Maybe she had enough time to make a quick raid on the materia shop. Tying up her bright orange sneakers, she strolled outside. 

The first thing she noticed was that it was awfully breezy outside. True, the town was on the coast and she wasn't one for lots of clothing – actually, she rarely wore more than the local laws dictated was necessary for decency – but still…

And she was getting an awful lot of leering smirks from the locals. She certainly wasn't as well-equipped as Tifa or even that idiot fourteen year old working the front desk of the hotel, but this many people staring so hard at her and then running off laughing…

Sure was windy out here.

She bent over the glass counter, trying to ignore the melody of whistles behind her. The shopkeeper stared at her incredulously. "Uh, miss –"

Flashing him her best smile, she asked sweetly, "May I see this set, please? The mastered elementals."

He handed them over before walking away with his hand clapped firmly over his mouth, chest heaving. Yuffie turned them over in their velvet lining, then nonchalantly pushed the case away. "I've changed my mind. Thanks, though." She strolled off, hand deftly moving towards her pocket to stash the pilfered orbs.

The sound of _plinking_ on the cobblestones made her freeze.

The green stones winked at her from their new home on the ground. The store owner, alerted by the telltale noise of materia hitting the ground, came bursting out of the side of his shack. "Hey!"

_What the hell? You grab the rocks with one hand, switch and put them in the opposite pocket. Swipe, slide. What's the deal? _

"Stop! Thief! Stop that naked girl!"

The wind picked up quite violently, flinging an eddy of sand at her rear. Yuffie winced upon feeling…the unmistakable sting of sand smacking her bare ass. For the first time all day, she looked down.

Sneakers. Socks. Shorts? Uh, no. No leather buckler. No midriff-baring turtleneck.

Yuffie Kisaragi was definitely walking around Costa Del Sol in her underwear. Though to her credit, they were quite clean.

Son of a gun…

* * *

**A/N: **Uh-oh. It's not looking too good for the Yuffster. Will the Knights of the Round take pity on her and save her? Or will they all just laugh at her tan lines? Find out...whenever I update again! 


End file.
